Lost

I’m a void ship. An empty shell in a vast nowhere sea, longing to be noticed. I am a happy person most of the time. My chest swells with love for the life I lead and I always follow my passions with excitement and forwardness. But I’m only human and sometimes somewhere inside me I still feel sadness, insecurity and the brokenness of my past. These moments need only be fleeting and brief but they mellow because I have no one to share these sinking feelings with. I am cast astray searching empty waters for a rescuer that never comes.

The one I love doesn’t ever register my hurt. For over a year I have tried to get him to notice the subtle drop in my face after a slicing comment or when my voice strains, begging him to hold me when I reach out for him but he doesn’t see it, doesn’t feel it and certainly doesn’t pretend to…

How do you say to someone you love something as simple as “I need comfort when I am sad” when its never really that simple and the response if I do tell him will be short followed by the phone call being ended and the silence I listen to after he’s long gone and moments later forgotten I’d ever mentioned anything.

Feeling frustrated and hurt I call him. He answers quickly and I hear voices in the background. Fear suddenly flooding me, I tell him not to worry but he tells me to go on so I say in the simplest terms possible…

“You know when I said to you that I was stressed and sad about leaving you?” Referring to my overseas trip in a few weeks and my mountain of uni work I didn’t really want to finish…

“Yeah…?”

“All you had to say was ‘it’ll be ok’” I wait for his response, my veins filling with hope that he’ll see what I mean and hold me close and tell me that he’ll look after me but there’s silence and I refuse to utter the first words.

“…Ok….and what did I actually say?”

“Nothing” my heart tightens “you never say anything…”

There’s silence and I can feel his discomfort through the telephone and caring too much about him I try and make my voice sound more cheering, “That’s all..”

“Ok”

“Ok”

“I’ll talk to you later.” It’s always his goodbye, his closing comment and I know the topic won’t ever be spoken about again. “Ok” I choke. He’s gone and hot tears fill the silence of a dead phone line.